The last time I wrote a blog post I promised everyone I would write on my blog, I apologize, for I have failed miserably. My last post was what? 6-7 months ago? I realized recently that many of you have no idea what is going on in our lives, so I am here to update you. 

First off, I must apologize for the many grammar errors in my last post. I recently went back to reminisce on Kai's birth story and was embarrassed at how poorly it was written after reading it. Please remember I wrote the thing while taking heavy painkillers (from Kai's birth) and while trying to finish school. My brain was shot. 

After Kai was born, I successfully finished all of my finals, including taking one of them while holding my brand new baby. I had a final paper to write (in class) for my Ethics class. Terrance had worked a grave shift the night before so I was weary of leaving a baby with him. I was convinced if I had Kai fed, he would sleep through the whole final. I was wrong. The second I pushed that stroller into my class he started to cry. So, I held him. I wrote my paper, bounced him when he was fussy and continued to write my paper once he was quiet. My teacher was so kind to offer more time but I wanted that final done! A kind girl in my class who had finished early offered to hold him in the hallway while I finished.  I, being so grateful, let her take him and finished my paper in class. I later realized I had given my first born to almost a complete stranger, but hey, it was BYU. 

After finals were finished and we had passed all our classes we were off to graduation! Terrance and I graduated  when Kai was only four weeks old and we were even lucky enough to walk across the stage with him in our arms. It felt so unreal. I still feel like I should be at BYU forever. My mother in law Mellisa met us right before we got on stage for our names to be called and handed us our sweet baby boy. We had a bottle ready for him and I accidentally held the bottle up in all of our "official" graduation pictures, mommy brain. I had no idea what I was doing until I had done it. Terrance held Kai up in the air like Simba as he crossed the stage, it was quite a performance. Are we bad for leaving our own graduation early? As soon as we crossed that stage we were planning our escape. I am sure that was not the most polite thing to do but I wanted to be back with my baby! (They wouldn't let us hold him anywhere but the stage for fear of tripping while we walked stairs etc.) 

After graduation we had a big decision to make. Terrance had been offered a once in a life time internship opportunity at LSU! In Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I sadly had an internship also that I had to finish in order to officially graduate so we were stuck. Terrance leave me and our two month old baby for two months? At first I laughed and told him no way, but I knew this was important to him and important to his career. After going to the temple and much trust and faith in the Lord we decided Terrance would go. 

We had to pack up and move out of our favorite apartment, with a two month old baby. Oh wait I forgot to tell you! I had to get my gall bladder removed right in the middle of this! I had a gall bladder attack (which was worse than labor) right after we made the decision for Terrance to leave. The gall bladder attack was horrible, I had never been in so much pain. It was like having contractions in my chest that I never got a break from. I don't know why I didn't go to the ER. I think because of my family's history I knew what was happening and just knew I had to get through it. Luckily I had some heavy pain killers left over from having a baby and Terrance was smart enough to give them to me. After the attack I had an ultrasound and found out, gall stones! Which meant surgery. I was TERRIFIED to go under. I had so much anxiety about it but I survived, almost. Waking up from surgery was torture. I had to stay extra long in recovery and I was miserable. It was a hard week but we got though it. Surgery Monday, moved on Friday. Thank you to my family, friends and ward members who brought me meals, helped me pack and baby sat. 

We decided it would be best for me to move to Terrance's Aunts house in Spanish Fork to avoid paying rent, keep me from being alone and to have help with Kai. I will forever be indebted to the Fraser's for all they did for me. Julie watched Kai for me everyday, fed me and was my walking buddy. It was tough being away from Terrance but we got through it.  

While Terrance was interning at LSU we got word he had been accepted into their masters program! Yay! We had a school to go to and could finally plan our move. After working my job and doing an internship on my own for about 6 weeks ( working and pumping was rough but we did it!), Kai and I moved to California so I could be with my parents for a while until T finished his internship. Thank you to my dad who flew to Utah to drive me home. Kai hates the car so that was an adventure, a long adventure. 

Luckily my last day of work in Utah, my boss asked if I would be interested in working from home! Blessings! I of course was ecstatic about the idea and was so excited to be able to continue working a job I loved and be able to help support my little family.  

We spent about two weeks in California before Terrance was able to come visit. He drove all the way from Louisiana to California to be with us. We were so happy to have him home and I loved the look on Kai's face when he saw his daddy again! California was filled with work, a beach trip (which Kai hated) Disneyland, thanks to Brooke (we did not bring Kai), more work and the inability to make any decisions on where we would live in Baton Rouge. Little did we know, that was because we were not supposed to live there! 

About a week before we were supposed to leave for Baton Rouge, Terrance got a call and was told to apply for a graduate assistant position at another school! What!? But we went for it. Terrance applied and got the position. This meant school paid for, a monthly stipend and the official title of being a graduate assistant which means better job opportunities. We were so shocked but knew this was where we were supposed to be and felt so blessed for the opportunity. 

Off we moved to Lafayette, Louisiana. The drive took four days. Four long days. Kai hated it, he would not eat and would not sleep. Once we got there we had to live in a hotel for a week and we had to wait two months to get out student loans. It has been long and stressful but I am happy to say we are finally settled into our apartment. For the first time in six months I feel like we are home! Our home. 

It has been a big adjustment for me to be home all day. Its a big change to no longer be in school working a job to being at home with a little one. I have had my struggles but I am learning lots about this Mom life. Its the little things, the baby belly laughs, the gummy smiles, snuggles, actually having the dishes done, a clean apartment, making dinner, being able to provide for my family, and having a happy husband, that make it all worth it. 

Terrance has almost finished his first semester of school and his first football season (its crazy busy). We both have church callings and we have kept our baby alive for almost 8 months!! Where has the time gone? Terrance is very busy with work and school, I try to work as much as I can, and keep Kai happy. Life is crazy but we are happy. We are doing all we can to enjoy our adventure. Until next time, 

The Motleys 

Kai’s Birth Story

Well, like any expecting parents, as the due date of baby approaches, you would love for those days to be cut in half, as long as baby is happy and healthy of course. Terrance and I could not be more anxious and excited for baby Kai to come. The last couple weeks of my pregnancy we did all we could think of to get this babe on his way! T was great at going on evening walks with me, getting me to the gym (for his second time of the day), walking/occasional jogging up and down stairs, rubbing my feet, you name it.  It was a little annoying to see nothing happen and have no progress in dilation as I went to my doctor appointments but looking back on it now I really appreciate that extra bonding and time I had with my husband.

Terrance had a strong feeling this baby would come early, how early was the only question, so of course I wondered each day if it was going to be the day, or if the coming weekend would be spent in the hospital.  The weekend before Kai’s due date (he was due March 27^th, a Friday) the signs of labor were starting to happen and I was anxious. I had Braxton hick contractions for days, maybe weeks but nothing ever hurt, so I kept saying to myself bring on the pain! I do not know why, but I wanted them to hurt so I knew something exciting was happening.  I don’t even know how many walks we went on that weekend, oh and I ate an entire pineapple (someone told me that could work) Silly I know. (Funny that as each night came I wanted to go into labor so bad but at the same time I was so tired by the end of the day I kind of wished I wouldn’t haha)  Sunday came, and nothing, Monday came, and nothing. Monday was a pretty stressful day.  I was upset I wasn’t in labor, it decided to rain, I had no jacket, I was wearing flats, my feet were hurting, they were cold, and wet and I had an unusually stressful day at work (I love my job so that was odd.) I came home telling T I just wanted to cry. He was so sweet to me, rubbed my feet and made me dinner. He gave me a blessing that night that made me feel so much better. I am so grateful for my husband and the priesthood power he holds. He said things in that blessing that were truly inspired; I thank him for that and for being worthy to do so.

That night before bed I felt my first contraction! It felt just like menstrual cramps, and I was excited that I finally felt something.  The next morning I was awoken by the same pain!  T gets up around 4am to get ready for the gym, and after he rolled out of bed they continued. I felt the first and got excited, then a few minutes later I felt it again! I thought to myself, “no it can’t be the real thing,” so I counted in between them. I counted to 60 five times or so and it happened again! (I don’t know why I didn’t just grab my phone and look at the clock haha) I got excited but I was trying not to get too excited in case they went away. After a few of them I decided to get out of bed to see if anything changed.  When I came out to the living room at 4:30 in the morning T looked at me a little funny I knew he wanted to ask if anything was happening because heaven knows I don’t ever get up that early. I told him what was up, but that “I did not know what was happening. Or if they were the real thing.” My common answers for everything because I really never knew what to expect nor did I want any false alarm stories of going to the hospital and being sent home. He looked at me like well of course they are contractions! HA I could tell he was really excited inside but trying to hold it in. He helped me start timing my contractions with my fancy ipad app. I told him he should still go to the gym, I wasn’t in any real labor yet. While he was gone the contractions stuck around. I was having some kind of “cramp” that lasted 30-40 sec. 5-10 min apart and they were not going away! I walked around the house, ate breakfast and showered. Still no change. I was so pumped, but still unsure of what was happening. I didn’t want to wake anyone up (including my Doula just yet) so I texted my sister Kristine to see what she thought (she lives in a different time zone, so I figured she’d already be awake). She thought it sounded like the real deal and that I should call Mom. I continued to get ready for the day; I actually had a crazy day ahead of me work, an interview then a doctor’s appointment. T got home and we decided I should call my doula (Mindee) (6:30am). She advised us to go for a walk to see if anything changed and to keep her posted. Things were still happening so I decided to call my mom. I didn’t want to wake her up too early. I told her I thought I was having contractions but that I wasn’t sure yet, and to still go to work, and NOT to drive to Utah yet (my parents live in CA). I didn’t want them to get in the car for a nine hour car ride until I knew it was the real deal.

Now to explain my crazy morning I was having.  I had to visit a home health patient at 8:30. I had to go because the surveyor for certification for the company I work for had arrived the day before and they come to visits to evaluate your work, nerve racking. Then at 9:45 I had an interview for internship, then at 11:15 I had my growth ultra sound and at 1:30 I had to be in class to take a quiz. (At my doctor’s appointment the week before my belly was measuring small, my fundal height should have been 38, it was 37 the week before and I was measuring at 34.5, I had to be checked for my amniotic fluid levels and do a non-stress test because my blood pressure was a little high. Everything went well during those tests so they scheduled a growth ultra sound to check his size, Tuesday (his birthday) was the earliest they could get me an appointment. )

So, I knew I had to get to work. I know I could have called in, but I was not going to let them down.  They were counting on me and I could still breathe and talk through contractions so I was going. I had T drive me around in case something happened.  He was a great chauffeur. We drove to draper for the visit and as soon as the surveyor left the patients home I told my patient I was probably in labor. She was so excited for me and made sure I finished quickly so I could get home. T then drove me to my interview in Lehi. I changed out of my scrubs into a dress in the car (hard to do by the way while pregnant). I had emailed the girl a few hours before telling her I may be in labor and that if I did not show up that was why,  and well, she was pretty surprised I showed up. Looking back I am too. The interview went well I think, a few of her questions were hard to answer based on the fact that I was having contractions and my mind was on a million other things. But I did it. T and I then drove home, and we went for another walk. Things were still the same, 30-40sec. contractions, 5-10 min apart.

We then left for our ultrasound. Because the ultra sound was scheduled a few days after the scare I was not too worried and felt pretty confident that everything would be okay. I was told by a nurse that if it was urgent they would get me in right away so I stopped stressing about his growth. At the ultra sound the tech told us what each body part of his was measuring. Parts of him were measuring 35 weeks and some 36 weeks, I didn’t know what that all really meant for me and my baby. The doctor came in and did the ultra sound again. After talking to T about SEC football which felt like 15 min. he said he suggested we be induced. He talked about IUGR (inter uterine growth restriction) and just wanted to make sure he was okay and getting him out sooner rather than later was the best thing for him.  He said he could be small for a number of reasons and he could also be completely fine. I was surprised he wanted me to be induced, a little excited that I would get to see my baby soon and a little overwhelmed. Because I wanted this baby without an epidural I really didn’t want to be induced.

I called my mom in the doctor’s office to tell her what was happening. After I told her that they were having me go to the hospital and be induced, she told me not to be mad but that she and my dad were already in Las Vegas. When I had called her earlier that morning, (when I told her not to come) they both felt that they needed to get in the car right away and leave for Utah. I started crying. It was such a blessing that they felt they needed to come when they did. Just to add a more emotional touch here, if they hadn’t left when they did, they would have missed the birth of my son. It was really important to me to have my mom there, so I am so grateful for the feelings they had to leave when they did.

The doctor told us to go home and get our things and then head straight to the hospital. We were so excited and laughed at the fact that we no longer would be able to play just dance when we got home from the appointment (to get contractions to keep going). We gathered our things and were on our way! (Just so you know I tried to pack the least possible things and I am so glad that I did, I really didn’t use much in the hospital). We stopped at the gas station so I could get some kind of protein drink and protein bar. I had no appetite but we knew as soon as I got there I wouldn’t be able to eat anything. (I was so worried I would be starving while in labor BUT, I had no appetite whatsoever, food was the last thing on my mind.)

It took a while to get us all checked in but when we were there we were there! I changed into that gorgeous hospital gown and I sent T out to get our bags. We were just hanging out, I asked for the birthing ball and we started to watch Better Call Saul. I was so distracted I couldn’t watch the show; I was having too much texting my mom and sisters. They sent me videos of distraction and I loved it.

The nurse came into check me and I was dilated to a 3! And 90% effaced all on my own. I was so excited. I was happy because maybe I wouldn’t need to be induced after all. Soon after that Becky, my midwife came into check me again and I was at a 4!! They decided to break my water in hopes that that would be the only inducing I would need. That didn’t hurt at all, it was just weird to have my water broken. So many women explain it as this big gush of water, but I didn’t feel that.  They suited me up with those lovely mesh undies and back on that birthing ball I went! But now contractions were much more intense. I had to focus to get through them. I remember looking at T like, “Ah, do something it hurts!” I put him to work by putting pressure on my back when a contraction hit. That helped, but at that point I knew things were getting more intense and I was in actual labor. I called Mindee to tell her my water had been broken and that getting there ASAP would be a good idea. I needed her. T and I had no idea what we were doing. Ha. After my water was broken my sense of time went completely out the window.

I know this may sound weird but I labored on the toilet a lot.  I maybe started to thank my horrible stomach and for all of the late nights I had been so sick, sitting on the toilet for far too long. Again sorry if that’s too much information for you all, but being sick like that was what labor felt like! I had felt that way before! I knew how to cope with it, and that, was on the toilet. I think the nurses may have been a little bothered with how many times I unhooked myself from those machines. Maybe the cords need to be longer :) I was checked again and I was at a 5!! Since it had been two hours since my water had been broken and I only progressed one cm. my midwife suggested they give me “just a tiny bit of Pitocin,” I said no before she finished her sentence.

Mindee arrived and she helped a ton. She knew where I needed pressure on body in order to help me cope with the pain. I remember thinking how much it helped, yet the pain didn’t go away. I was reminded of the idea of laboring in the water, and I got really excited. That idea was quickly shot down. Because my water was already broken I couldn’t be in the water because it increased the chance of infection. I was pretty bummed, but they did tell me I could take a 5 minute shower. Mindee was awesome and said if the nurse left the room, we would be in there until they kicked us out. At this point I can remember standing by my bed rocking my hips back and forth and I could literally feel something sliding down my back, my baby was moving down! And that was a cool feeling.

I remember leaning over the bed breathing through a contraction. I was in pain, but I heard my dad’s laugh out in the hall way of the hospital and my heart immediately got so happy. My parents had arrived! And just in time. Contractions started to get more intense and I was so happy to see them.  My mommy was there. My daddy was there. I hugged them and then got back to work, labor. At this point they had adjusted the bed so I could kneel and lean over onto the bed into my pillows (the bed shaped like a stair step if that makes sense).

From here on out what I remember are just snippets of the next three or four hours. Like I said earlier my sense of time went completely out the window. I remember sitting on the toilet again, my mom was in there with me. I looked at her and asked why am I doing this? I was in so much pain. She laughed and said I don’t know why are you? Ha I was in pain and wanted to give up. I tried doing different things to help me cope, counting to ten over and over, visualization, you name it but all I could do, was breathe, and that’s all that helped, not thinking, and breathing.  Mindee walked in and I asked her the same question. Why am I doing this? Luckily she gave me a list of things and that kept me going.

I went back to leaning over the bed and again things were getting worse. I can remember looking at my nurse and asking what my options were for pain. I was in so much pain I was literally pulling on my hair. I don’t know why I did this but I did. My nurse named a few things I can’t remember. I asked her if I could move around with any of them and she replied no, you’d have to stay in bed so I quickly did not feel that those were options.

Next I got to take a shower! And oh how great that felt. The hot water immediately eased my pain and I was so happy. But like I said, I was only allowed to be in there for 5 minutes. Those minutes felt like seconds.  I was working through contractions feeling great in there and then they told me I had to get out, I was mad but I couldn’t care too much.

Next stop I found myself laying on my back in bed. Oh how good it felt to get some rest in between contractions! At this point I remember looking over at T (who was on his laptop finishing a school assignment, which I told him to do don’t worry) and telling him I needed him next to me, now.  A contraction came, I breathed and it hurt. My midwife put counter pressure into my knees that went into my back that felt great, from this point on that’s what I did and where I stayed. T was so good at getting me water when I asked, and Mindee did the counter pressure on my knees when I told her to. In between contractions I laid flat on my bed, eye closed, resting. Contraction came, I breathed it out as long as I could, when it hit its peak I would lift my knees, I would say knees, Mindee did the pressure and I squeezed both Terrance’s and my mom’s hands. (I think I about crushed my mom’s hands a few times). Contraction would leave and I lay flat again, eyes closed. If I said water T had that water bottle right in my mouth. Mindee ran her fingers up and down my legs and I felt so relaxed.  Apparently I responded great to touch, so I needed to be touched to help me cope and to relax. I could hear the nurse and the midwife talking something about transitioning and how I was doing it fast. At that point I realized I was almost there. There was no turning back and that I could do this.

Somewhere in between laying in the bed I was dilated to a 7/8 and then what felt like 5 minutes later I was at a 9 and at that point I was ready to push, and my body was ready to push they didn’t want me to push yet but I couldn’t help it, I was able to do tiny pushes and it felt great. A little while later I was checked again. My midwife said there was just a tiny bit of my cervix left in one spot. She wanted me to resist the urge to push but it was so so hard. I remember apologizing after I pushed because I just could not help it.

Finally it was to the point where I was pushing and I did not care if I was told not to, my body could not help it and It felt so good to push. I was finally doing what my body had been preparing to do. When I pictured myself laboring I did not picture myself pushing lying on my back but I was and I was too exhausted to do otherwise. My midwife guided me on what to do, I grabbed the back of my legs, T held a leg, and my mom held a leg. There was still a tiny bit of my cervix left so she was trying to guide his head through and yes that was just as painful as my having contractions.

All I can remember here was pushing with contractions with all I had. At one point I had pushed so hard I almost passed out, I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head, and at another point I almost threw up. Then I remember them putting oxygen on me, having me change positions and telling me not to push. They had me go on all fours. Little did I know baby’s heart rate had dropped and they were worried. Being on all fours made it worse so they had me move back on my back, trying to move during a contraction was miserable. I was back on my back and I had no idea what was going on or that my midwife was calling a doctor in to deliver my baby. Next thing I know I open my eyes to a room full of people. I closed my eyes immediately after I opened them, I didn’t know where to look and I couldn't focus with them open.

The doctor told me my baby was stuck, that he would normally use forceps, but because I didn't have an Epidural and because he didn't want to kill me he was going to vacuum my baby out. I didn't care I just wanted my baby and my body wanted my baby. They had to attach the vacuum to his head, which was clearly still inside of me. Yeah that was painful too. But once that was on, I was cleared to push! I can only remember pushing three more times as that point. I remember looking down and his head was there! I pushed again and then I saw the doctor holding up my beautiful little boy!! Because of the distress and the IUGR worries he cut the cord and off baby went to be checked. I was wide awake and alert at this point. I was just shocked I had a baby! And that I did it all on my own! (I mean without drugs) Talk about an adrenaline rush. Terrance leaned into me and cried and all I could do was say, “hey that’s our baby! We have a baby!” I laugh about this now. And trust me I cried lots after he was born.

The doctor told me I tore a bit and that he would stitch me up. (That took a lot longer than I thought it would, but really at that point I did not care, I had a baby)  Now that I was alert I realized how many people were in my room (NICU, respiratory team, nurses, doctor, midwife, T, my mom and Mindee) It was like a party or something. I couldn't see my baby he was surrounded by so many people but I could hear him cry. I asked how much does he weigh?! They all responded with we haven’t weighed him yet! I laughed. Terrance and I were so happy. He was finally weighed and I was shocked to have such a small baby! At first all I heard was 10! And I was shocked but no he was 6 pounds 10 ounces, for some reason even with the UGR I expected him to be at least an 8 pound baby, obviously not. I know I am weird but while I was being stitched up I asked to see the placenta. That was one of the worries with the UGR, that it was no longer supplying him with what he needed but they said it looked great! It just looked like a blob.

After all the fuss I finally got to hold my baby boy! I could not believe all of that hair. He was awake, alert and so beautiful. Terrance and I were on cloud 9. I cannot describe the feeling I felt holding my son for the first time. All that pain, all that work I had just put my body through was worth it. My body did something it was designed to do, and I am so happy that my baby and I were able to experience it all. Terrance and I finally had some time to ourselves. Watching him hold our baby for the first time was magical, his smile in that moment is something I will never forget.

After the first moments with my beautiful little family, my parents came in and got to hold Kai for the first time, and they brought me some well-deserved Taco Bell. I still could not get over what had just happened. I just kept playing it in my mind over and over again. I was so happy and excited. After discussing his hair, his birth and all the things I missed in the process, my parents decided they’d head home and get some rest, T and I knew we needed it too. After I was able to nurse Kai for the first time they took him off to the Nursery so I could shower and get some rest. I was so scared to step foot out of that bed for the first time. I was worried I’d fall over; my body was so exhausted it just couldn’t do anymore. After I went to the restroom for the first time, which was also scary I hopped into the shower which was the best shower I have ever taken in my entire life. I also felt like I was going to pass out the whole time and held on to those bars for dear life. But regardless, it was the best shower. The nurse helped me into a clean gown and off to bed I went but I didn’t get much sleep that night. I still couldn’t stop thinking about all that had happened that day. It was just all so beautiful. Yes I couldn’t lay my legs straight in bed because my region was in pain, and yes I was woken up every few hours to feed my baby but it was amazing. The next day I was able to get up and walk around my room, I was able to walk with my baby to the nursery for his first bath and I was happier than ever. We had such great visitors the next few days and I could not have loved my nurses or the experience at Orem Community more! This is not only Kai’s birth story but it is mine, something I will never forget.